[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
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Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.