I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
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My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
“Great, now I have to pee.”
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease