going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
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TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄