boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
You Might Also Like
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors