I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
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That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
blocked.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
why would tinder want me to say this
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah