No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
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Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Happy thanksgiving
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Siri: Retweet me.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”