Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
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me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry