[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
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Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth