I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
You Might Also Like
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”