I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
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went fishing caught a bass
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
#JohnTravolta
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭