boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
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When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.