8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
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Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Dear Lord..
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.