After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
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I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.