am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
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Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no