Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
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Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
Breaking news:
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.