my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outsideđ na i really left my windows downâŚ
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When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: NÄco dalĹĄĂho?
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so sheâs homeless now.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but Iâm delighted.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But itâs Sunday…and youâre 32.
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture orâŚ
devil: shut up itâs gonnaâitâll pick up
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said âi work in subwayâ and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
When youâre cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that youâre actually going in the wrong direction
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Think I accidentally left a âdo not disturbâ sign on my personality and havenât had a âgood morningâ message since 2020
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? whoâs been *does the air quotes gesture* âresuscitatingâ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol itâs my job
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.