why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
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If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Uh oh…
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Sing it!
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
🙅🏻