They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
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I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine