A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
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[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No