If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
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Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Ha.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.