I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
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Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
spicy snake
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”