i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
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Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.