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Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
i will avenge u mr van gogh
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.