Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
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I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
so much to do
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”