I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
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me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.