My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
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there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
5 ways to appear taller
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
was Jim off killing horses or…
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.