I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
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ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”