After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
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I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
you stereotypes are all alike
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
LOOOOOOL
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?