If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
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them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
(Gaming support cat.)
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
*jazz hands*
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”