I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
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Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
emergency phone
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”