[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
You Might Also Like
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.