Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
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If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.