My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
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I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
Why soy sad?
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
5 ways to appear taller
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”