Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
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Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Single and childfree like Jesus
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist