*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
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I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends