The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
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With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”