she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
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Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.