My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
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I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
My boss called in sick of me
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over