Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
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Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog