[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
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When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
dutch is not a serious language
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
I support this random dude and all his protests
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
I’ve had worse
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.