Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
You Might Also Like
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Match dot com, but for socks.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.