If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
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“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*