Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
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Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
My first child will be named New Folder.
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant