HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
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ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
San Francisco has too many rules
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
The Birdles
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
Spotted in New Orleans.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!