I am having an out of money experience.
You Might Also Like
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Mood.. 😂
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?