One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
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[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
I have obtained a hat
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
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I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.