While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
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agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
I’ve been drinking.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds