Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
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Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
wow
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.