Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
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How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman