“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
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April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
“what’s a skit rip?”
– me, misreading “ski trip” on the mini crossword time to put me in a nursing home omg